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Lotus Flower

Porn Night on the USS Enterprise!

Title: Porn Night on the USS Enterprise
Author: near_family
Fandom: Star Trek xi
Characters/Pairings: Kirk, McCoy (with hints of Kirk/McCoy), Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, Spock, Cupcake, Chapel, Gaila, Uhura, un-named OCs
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or anything associated with it. I'm doing this for fun, not profit.

Summary: Jim decides the Enterprise needs a Porn Night and that Spock's porn-watching-virginity needs to be taken! Also: just what is Bones up to???

Author's Note: A fill for This Prompt at the Kink Meme. Beta'd by the always lovely re_white who also serves as my porn consultant. ^^


“I do not understand.” Spock says from Jim's right, “The noises, vaguely reminiscent of those made by the domestic felines of Earth, are supposed to be arousing?”

“Well, yeah. If that's your thing,” Jim glances over at his First Officer. He's sitting up, back ramrod straight, with his head tilted just so and his eyes almost imperceptibly narrowed. This particular expression often leads to Jim imagining Spock seated primly at his desk drawing up flow charts and word webs with phrases like 'emotional turmoil = physical manifestations of pain focused on primary circulatory organ = Why?' and “The man's a complete moron, bless his cod-picking heart followed by 'Cod = fish; further inquiries necessary' in an attempt to make humans less confusing through reason. “Spock, this is supposed to be recreational. Just relax, okay?”

“Why are we doing this again?” Sulu asks from Spock's other side. He's spent the first five minutes of the vid staring at the ceiling and snorting at the more ridiculous dialog. Chekov picks up a few pieces of popcorn from the bowl on the table and pops them in his mouth, eyes never leaving the vid screen. Jim isn't sure but he thinks the kid hasn't blinked since the show started.

“It's tradition, laddy!” Scotty says, raising his voice so he can be heard over the throaty moaning coming from the screen. “Ya cannae serve aboard a star ship and not have a Porn Night. Besides, Spock's never seen any an that's just a crime against nature, that is.”

“You don't like porn, Sulu?” Cupcake asks good naturedly, looking up from the floor where a few members from Security have set up camp.

“No, I'm fine with porn. This just isn't my thing.”

A collective “Whoaaa!” fills the room as the Trilliav woman on screen bends over backwards to wrap her elongated tongue around the man's scrotum, her hips never leaving their place astride his hips. Jim grins. He is the master of porn selection.

“There! What do you think of that?” Jim looks at Spock as he points at the screen.

“Her range of flexibility is impressive.”

“It's hot.” Jim corrects.

“Hobgoblin, lend me your freakishly precise brain for a second and tell me, about how much bigger is the right testicle compared to the left?” Bones' grumpy drawl comes from the end of the couch.

“Approximately seven point three two percent.” Is the prompt reply.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Bones mutters under his breath. He scribbles something down on his PADD and circles it. “A bit of discoloration too.”

“Right... I'm just going to forget you said that.” Jim shifts his gaze from Bones to Sulu who's squinting at the screen with the rest of the room, all their powers of observation focused on an otherwise spectacularly uninteresting pair of balls. “Why isn't this your thing?”

“I'm gay.”

“So? I know plenty of gay guys who like straight porn.”

“I'm not one of them.”

“If you do not find this variety of visual pornography pleasing,” Spock inquires, quirking an eyebrow, “Why have you joined in the activity? Is there a social obligation to participate?”

“Yeah, Sulu. Why did you stick around for this?” Jim asks, grinning.

Sulu gives Jim a biting look then tips his head very slightly in Chekov's direction. Jim examines the possibilities of this reaction in the back of his mind. He prides himself in being well attuned to his crew, able to detect bad moods, lethargy or unusual exuberance from half way down the corridor and around a corner, but there are some things even he doesn't really have a feel for. The emotional stability of Stellar Cartography is one (his latest method of inquiry on this point is to ask one of the Ensigns to read his horoscope and then carefully note the amount of hysteria in the incredulous laughter that follows) and another is the exact nature of the relationship between his most talented pilot and his genius navigator.

Jim makes a mental bet with himself. If Sulu's only here to make sure his friend doesn't get any weird ideas about sex in real life, Jim gets an hour spent flirting with nurses in Med-Bay as a cover for a very stealthy recon on possible Bones-Dedicated-Seduction-Methods (BDSM for short, which he will always find entertaining). But if Sulu's here so he'll know exactly where his boyfriend is getting all his kinky ideas, Jim gets to spend an hour coming up with the most illogical yet deviously compelling reasons for Spock to watch Terran soap operas. Either way, Jim wins.

“Tell you what Lad,” Scotty leans across Jim, stretching his arm out for a hand full of popcorn. “Next time, you can pick out the vid!”

“Hey!” Jim whines, “I'm Captain, I should get to make those kinds of decisions.”

“Nyet Mr. Scott, Sulu's are all boring.” This statement is, amazingly, far more interesting to the room than the incredible prehensile tricks of the actress' tongue.

“You've been through my files?” Sulu's incredulous accusation stands out amongst the many exclamations of: 'You've been watching porn?'. Jim's brow furrows. BDSM recon is looking less likely but watching Days of Our Lives with a perplexed Vulcan isn't looking any more likely. Should he have come up with a third option? An hour spent hunting for Scotty's still in case of all other outcomes?

“You left your console logged in,” Chekov waves a hand dismissively. “Is all reports and novels and things...”

“Oh.”

“... and plant porn.”

“Pavel, that's not porn!” Sulu manages to get out over the roar of laughter. “That's vid data for Xenobiology. It's research!”

“Is wegetable fornication.” Chekov wrinkles his nose at a particularly raunchy exchange as the Human man rolls the Trilliav woman onto her back. “The acting is so bad!”

“It's porn,” Cupcake says with a snort, “This isn't a high art form. What did you expect?”

“Russian porn is much better.”

“Of course it is.”

Jim would join Cupcake's defense of his home region's fine merchandise against the curly-haired Russian oppressor if the best damn part of the entire vid wasn't coming up next. The entire reason he decided to kick off the first Epic Porn Night of Epic Porny-ness with Encounters on Risa Vol. 2 instead of Andorian Orgy Fest!. He turns so he can have a good view of Spock's face, positive this will achieve the fabled 'Double Eyebrow Raise' and not wanting to miss a second of it. As a bonus, he's got a pretty good view of Sulu and Chekov too.

He waits, ticking the seconds back in his head.

5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

“OHHHHHHH!”

“Did you see that!”

“Holy shit, man!”

“That's CG, it's gotta be!”

“One hundred percent real folks! I analyzed the disk myself.” Jim has not been disappointed. Not by his crew and not by Spock. One eyebrow has climbed the mighty slopes of his First Officer's forehead and the other definitely spasmed upward before being taken firmly under control. Grinning, Jim looks past Spock to see Chekov dragging Sulu's hand down from over his eyes. Even Bones has glanced up at the screen, squinting with his mouth open just slightly as though he can't believe what he's seeing.

'My work here is done.' Jim thinks, basking in the continued astonishment of the room.

“Fuck! She did it again!”

“What are those things?”

“Computer! Freeze and magnify, reference point at center screen.” Bones snaps.

“Bones, you're participating!” Jim yells, wiping away non-existent tears from his eyes and hamming it up. “I'm... so proud of you. All grown up and ogling girl bits.”

“Shut it, Jim.” Bones leans forward to get a better view of the screen.

“No, seriously,” Cupcake says, “What are those things?”

“Do we care? Jesus, she's got them pulled almost all the way in!”

“Dermal flaking...” Bones mutters, tapping the top of his stylus against his plump bottom lip. The pornographic re-imaginings of which make Jim's mind go fuzzy at the edges. It takes him a little longer to process what is actually being said because of this. “Purple pigmentation underneath.”

“Skin flakes?” Sulu asks, sounding skeptical. “Looks more like scales to me.”

“But the skin tone is naturally pale red, so the rash is actually blue-”

“Ah, damn it,” Jim whines when his mind catches up to the conversation. “Bones!

“That's a rash?”

“Hey, does anyone remember if there was pebbling on the aureoles?” Bones looks around the room as though he's really expecting anyone to be able to answer that.

“The what?”

“He means her nipples.”

“Bones, I told you to leave the CMO shit at the door-”

“In fact,” Spock interjects, using what Jim likes to think of as his 'Relax Bitches, I got this' voice. “The term aureole refers to the circular area of darker skin which surrounds the nipple,” Hearing Spock say 'nipple' would, on any other occasion, make Jim giggle uncontrollably like a twelve year-old boy. At the moment, he's still trying to catch Bones' eye so he can glare disapprovingly at him. “The female's aureoles did indeed exhibit pebbling, or 'goose flesh' as it is also known. Is this knowledge relevant to our viewing?”

“I distinctly told you-” Jim tries again. He stops mid sentence when the doctor fucking cackles. Bones has the kind of face that can produce the most astonishingly vivid expressions. Jim learned very quickly, back at the Academy, all the various nuances that Bones can create with just his eyebrows and he uses this mental catalog to his advantage as often as possible. Right now Bones is grinning, eyebrows conveying triumphant depravity with a side of mischievousness as he scrawls something across his PADD, circles it with relish and snaps open his comm.

“McCoy to Chapel.” He says, barely waiting for his head nurse to reply before cutting her off. “Bingo!”

“Son of a Bitch!” Chapel yells in disbelief. Jim is briefly shocked speechless. He's never heard the woman curse before. “We're hardly ten minutes in, there's no way you've got five this fast!”

“Jim has a remarkable collection.” Bones is fucking gleeful. “You'd be amazed.”

“Gimme that!” Jim snatches the PADD from Bones' hand just as Chekov's leaning in to get a look. He glances over the table currently being displayed. Blinks and reads the title again. “STD Bingo? Bones!”

“I demand proof!” Chapel can barely be heard over the chorus of groans. “Send me a copy of your score card... and the name of the vid.”

Bones snatches his PADD out of Jim's hands, whacks the top of his head with it, then taps in the command to transfer the document. “Sent. And it's called Encounters on Risa.”

“Volume two!” Jim says loud enough for Chapel to hear him on the other end.

“Are you serious?” It's Gaila's voice that answers. “I've been looking all over for that! Where did you get it?”

“Are we going to resume play any time soon, do you think?” Scotty asks, half to himself.

“Nope! There are important business matters to attend to.” Jim jumps up, making his way towards Bones to request the use of his friend's comm like a civilized human being... and trips over Sulu's legs along the way. He lands on Bones' lap. There's really nothing like having your face planted firmly in your best friend's crotch to send civilized behavior out the air lock. They have a brief struggle over the comm which Jim resolves by leaning backwards over the arm of the sofa and pinning Bones' arms up around the doctor's head with his legs. “Gaila! Gregarious, gorgeous, gracious, glorious, generous, graceful, gifted, good-hearted, I've-run-out-of-G-words, Gaila!”

“Dammit Jim! Get off me.”

“You're so funny Jimmy, now give me your source.” Gaila replies, voice silky, sultry and all business.

“What, you're not going to butter me up?” Jim grins, “Maybe I don't want to share my toys...”

“Play nice kiddies.” He hears Uhura saying in the background.

“Uhura! Upstanding, urbane... um... Utilitarian? Crap.” Jim locks his ankles together without thinking as Bones' tries to wrench one arm free. “Yeah, that's all I've got. So what are you lovely ladies up to?”

“We're watching The Lesbian Adventures of Captain Busty Bev: Crash landing on Delta IV and I'm not telling you how I got it!”

For an instant Jim considers begging on bended knee and offering to buy Gaila every power cupling and ETM surge converter her little heart desires. Until he's rolled off the couch arm and crashes face first into the floor.

“Fucking finally.” Bones growls, leaning over to dig around for his wayward comm.

“The Adventures of Busty Bev?” Jim hears Sulu geek-gasm as he roles over, holding his aching nose. “That's vintage gold! Where did you find it?”

“Sorry, I'm not telling. But I'll let you borrow it sometime.” Gaila's voice comes from under the coffee table.

“So you're a fan of lesbian porn.” Cupcake says, his smirk audible in his voice. “I see how it is. The guy's Porn Night just isn't good enough for you.”

“Dude, don't you dis Captain Bev. It's a classic and it's got an actual narrative structure.”

“Alright, enough of this shit,” Bones has retrieved his comm. He glances down at Jim, checking him over for damage. So Jim pouts, pointing at his nose, and gives Bones his best 'Kiss It Better' look. Bones roles his eyes, his eyebrows set to 'Don't Be Such An Infant'. “Chapel, you ready to accept defeat or what?”

“I can't believe you found Rhaandarite dhobi affecting a Trilliav of the third sex in a B-rate porn!” Chapel complains, sounding defeated.

“Ach! The plot thickens!” Scotty chortles.

“Wait, wait, wait!” An Ensign from Security holds up his hands for silence. “Are you telling me she's not a girl?”

“Nope.” Bones says, grinning smugly now that Chapel has conceded his victory. “Tilliavs have an interesting gestation cycle. Kinda like taking a kangaroo and a seahorse and smushing them together. So, to answer your earlier question Lieutenant, those are Fetal Claspers. Used when transferring the infant at the beginning of the final trimester. Not some strange extension of the labia, which ze doesn't actually have.”

“Dammit Bones!” Jim says, looking back and forth between his friend and the view screen. “Now I'm gonna have to re-tag nearly a quarter of my collection.”

“What. You're actually going to keep this?” Sulu turns to Jim, incredulous. “After McCoy won a game of STD Bingo with just this vid, in the first ten minutes?”

“Hell, yeah!” Jim pops the disk out and places it carefully back in its case. “Testicle eating vaginas are hot.”

“It's not a vagina, Jim!”

“Fascinating.”

*

End!

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Fic Master List

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Comments

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ROTFLMAO

I am seriously not kidding. Literally, I was on the floor.

"Is wegtable fornication." killed me.

I love you. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. And, for crack, it's surprisingly realistic/in character.

God, I'm happy to hear that! I've gone over this thing so many times I just can't laugh at it anymore. ^^' So glad to know it's still funny!

Wegetable fornication is my favorite line in the whole thing, so I'm happy you liked it.

Thanks for the comment!
OMG, this was hilarious and perfect! Loved that Bones & Chapel had an STD bingo card! XD (bet they bring that out after shore leaves when Jim comes in)

Brilliant. ^_^
(bet they bring that out after shore leaves when Jim comes in)

They'd need an extra big one for Jim I think. ^^

Thanks for the comment!
This is AMAZING.
Thank you!
Absolutely hilarious. I've never played bingo, but I have counted std's in pornos with friends. XD
It just isn't porn if there isn't at least one STD, is it? ;D

Thanks for the comment!
LMAO!!

Haha! I demand MOAR!!!

Although I was suprised there wasn't more drooling/fantasizing about the girls watching lesbian porn if pop cultural reactions are anything to go by.

Also lol. STD Bingo. I heart Bones.
Hehe! Maybe I'll do a sequel to this someday, if I get inspired. And I meant to put in a small reference to the guys going glassy-eyed in that scene but I guess it just didn't make it in. ^^'

I also heart Bones, heart him long time.

Thanks for the comment!
MOST HILARIOUS PORN EVER. And I don't think it's just the sleep deprivation talking, either. :D

Seriously, this was amazing. All the characters were so vivid and engaging, your Jim voice is dead on, STD bingo is unadulterated genius, the girls are all real characters with agency, Bones' medical smarts are seriously hot, AND as the cherry on top of this sexy sundae you used a gender neutral pronoun.

I officially love you.
I'M THRILLED YOU THINK SO! ^^

You're comment makes me grin. My desperate efforts to figure out how to spell 'aureole' (seriously, Latin derivatives suck. T_T Had to ask my porn consultant and she laughed at me! ^_~ ) were so worth it!

You are too kind, thank you for the comment!
OMG, hilarious! I nearly woke the whole house up laughing. I love Chekov and his 'is wegetable fornication', but it was STD Bingo (and Bones' unholy glee over winning) that killed me.

Of course Jim Kirk thinks testicle eating vaginas are hot, lol. And is it wrong that I really would like to see him tricking Spock into watching Days of Our Lives?
^______^ I'm glad this made you laugh! It's not at all wrong, it would be totally crack-tacular! But a better person than me will have to write it. I've never seen an episode of a soap opera in my life.

Thanks for the comment!
This is awesome. OF COURSE Bones would be playing STD Bingo with Chapel.

I'm a little in love with you right now.
Hehe! Medical training ruined their porn, they have to have fun with it somehow! ^^

Thanks for the comment and the love!
OMG this was perfect from start to finish but what sealed it for me was this bit.

“In fact,” Spock interjects, using what Jim likes to think of as his 'Relax Bitches, I got this' voice.

Jim was suitably upbeat and a little like a frat boy (which I normally hate with an intense passion) but also there was through this a thread of his seriousness.

Then you gave me brilliant Chapel/McCoy banter.

I know that this is one story that I will be re-reading when I want to put a smile on my face with brilliant team characterisations.

I would love to read more stories with this incarnation of the team.
Relax Bitches, I got this

I've been wanting to use that phrase to describe Spock for ages. And Bones and Chapel are always fun to play with. ^^

I know that this is one story that I will be re-reading when I want to put a smile on my face with brilliant team characterisations.

SQUEE! I'm glad you enjoyed this so much! As for more of this team incarnation: I had fun writing this and would love writing another like it. We'll see what happens ;]

Thanks for commenting!
Fantastic!!
It's brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so hard! I love the STD bingo card so damn much! And the plant porn?

Priceles!!
I'm glad this made you laugh! STD bingo is so popular in the comments it may need to have a sequel...

Thanks for the comment!
This is brilliant.


Love all the details.


Course now they all have to watch busty bev together to settle the bingo
Why, thank you! Busty Bev would be fun, I'll see what I can do ^___~

Thanks for commenting!
OMG.

This was absolutely funny, yet in character with Reboot!Trek. And yes, there is such athing as plant porn- ask any botanist!
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Poor Sulu, he's so misunderstood XD

Thanks for the comment!
*laughs herself silly*
lol ^^

Thanks for commenting!
STD bingo. **shakes head in wonder** That was pretty damn hilarious, but how could it not be, with a title like that? ;-) Well done.
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for commenting ^^

OP

aslfisfbvrder I completely forgot that I prompted this.
This. Is. Amazing. So much more than I expected, I absolutely loved it~

“McCoy to Chapel.” He says, barely waiting for his head nurse to reply before cutting her off. “Bingo!”

“Son of a Bitch!” Chapel yells in disbelief. Jim is briefly shocked speechless. He's never heard the woman curse before. “We're hardly ten minutes in, there's no way you've got five this fast!”


I pretty much lost it at that point.
Thank you, thank you, thank you sosososo much. I pretty much love you now.

Re: OP

OP Yays!!! :D :D :D

You're very very welcome! I'm thrilled you that you liked it so much! Thanks for letting me know ^^
*dies laughing*

This is just what I needed on a Monday!
Porn crack makes everything better, doesn't it?

Thanks for commenting ^^
This is hilarious! And Bones and Chapel so would be playing that, lol
Thank you! Bones and Chapel are fun to play with ^^
*giggles* This was wonderful! The BDSM, and Chapel and Gaila... *goes back to laughing*
Hehe! I'm glad you enjoyed it^^

Thanks for the comment!
OMG this is hilarious. They sound so utterly in character even if it's cracktastic. I need to hang onto this one. :)

*memories*
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it ^^

*memories*

Yays!
So I am seriously lmaoing. Hilarious! I love this!

and

“Is wegetable fornication.” BRB DYING of laughter

:D
^____^ I'm glad this fic made you laugh!

Thanks for commenting!
this made me laugh so hard! thank you
You're welcome! And thanks for the comment ^^
I don't think "WIN" accurate describes the awesomeness of this fic. Not by a million miles. The closest thing I can come up with is "EPIC WIN^1000". XD I lurved it! I can't wait to read another!
Stop! You're making me blush *^___^*

I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Thanks for commenting ^^
Kirk face down in MacCoy's lap, fighting for the comm.

Sulu's reaction, and Kirk's reaction to it.

Loved the whole story. Great work.

Renee
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the comment!
Beautiful beautiful crack. My favorite bit is when Jim has got Bones in a leg-lock while simultaneously schmoozing the ladies. That is some series multi-tasking there.
Hehe!

Jim's got talent, what can I say?

Thanks for commenting ^^
I never thought a porn night would be that hilarious XD
Only on the Enterprise, am I right? :D

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the comment ^^
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